A lesson for a lifetime..

I always carry a quest inside me and when I find answers to one of them,

I would always be mesmerized at the gracious way Sai answers all my doubts.

I'm blessed with a brother who is 2 and half years elder to me, who loved me since I knew him ie; since the day we met.

I can remember how he used to hold my hand when crossing the road,

how he used to caress me to wipe my tears (especially while watching movies together),

how he used to feed me when I didn't feel like eating,

how he used to share all his secrets with me,

how he used to be very eager to let me experience those he enjoyed a lot,

and how he used to love me even more than my daddy, to whom I'm everything.

He used to visit me in my hostel, take me out, spending as much time as possible with me.

Sometimes, when not going out, he used to make me sit on his bike where he would stand next to us ( his bike and me )

and we talk for hours. All along, he would remain standing.

And it was nothing for him when I offer him to sit or think of an alternative.

I can remember a thousand other ways in which he made me feel like a princess.

And obviously, needless to explain any further,

he'd one I love the most, next to my father.

I don't have enough courage to lie that we never fought.

I'm the one who yells and who apologizes the next minute.

He's very much used to that and sometimes he even used to ignore my unnecessary cries pointed at him.

I never had any idea, a part of him might be hating me so much until, on Ugadi, 2 years ago,

this one big bad incident took place.

If there's something I could take it back it would be that day with out slightest doubt.

I shouted at him when he didn't answer one of my questions and scolded him so badly that it totally pissed him off.

I don't really know what I was doing when I was doing that,

but that won't erase anything.

So this is the part which annoyed him the most.

With full of venom in my words, I suggested him to go kill himself.

Realizing how I hated to put them here in words,

no wonder he started gathering all the hatred which was buried deep inside him.

Sorry to use the word "hatred" too many times but that's what happened.

It was two years ago and he still doesn't talk with me.

Despite all my trials to say sorry, and the number of times I wept for him,

every time I missed him,

even my parents did their best to convince him.

Due to my ill luck and very bad behavior, everything had failed.

He wouldn't even wish me on my birthdays and consider my wishes fr his birthdays either.

And I sometimes describe myself as the best sister.

When I do that, my soul mutters to me, "you're the worst idiot!", every time.

Hmm, now my doubt is,

how could he hate me so much that even my endless tears for him could not move him?!

Hoe could he forget all those best times we had together?!

How could he not miss me?! And so on ...

Yesterday, in a shared auto, a mother with two girl children, travelled with me.

Out of my habit, I was observing them.

I could see the hurt on elder girl's face when she wanted to have something which is available for a moment and unavailable the next moment as her younger sister took over only because she's younger according to their mother.

I know three of them share great love for each other and elder sister who gave up (sacrifice might be the wrong word)

had seen the better side of it.

At least, she made her little sister happy.

But I couldn't help wondering could her heart forget this

as easily as she did?!

Don't take me wrong for my own sake.

All I mean is, it would look like

everything-is-nice for the moment

but the effect will remain.

I guess so.

I know it's foolish to apply this to all siblings who're still very happy together.

But I never want to forget this one lesson all my life

cause I know better than all of them

how it hurts bot being able to have the comfort of having a brother - A own brother

who once loved me as much as he hates me now.